the time to "process"

it has been 6 months since i started this blog and while i knew i wanted to do it, i did not really know why. the reasons are still becoming clear to me but one thing i know is that this blog in some way is helping me to find my voice, something i need to do as a person, as a counselor, and as an advocate for children... all things i am, and do, and strive to do better.

but there is one thing that has been conspicuously absent from this blog -- my work with 2 non-profits, both of which take in orphaned/abandoned children in 3rd world countries (Jamaica and Haiti).  this is not something that would necessarily to be obvious, even to those who know me well, but i have realized that my experiences on behalf of these organizations, and for these children, while some of the most important ways i spend my time, have not entered into any of the posts i've shared thus far.  i am consciously avoiding, although the reasons for that are unclear to me.... too painful?  too personal?  to raw?

during my training in counseling psychology, i was required to journal - A LOT.  i found it both liberating and oppressive.  it helped me to "process" what i was feeling, so that i could understand it and deal with any issues which might get in the way of being an effective counselor. but it was not easy.  i still do it sporadically in my every-day life but i have noticed that at the times i need it most, i tend to avoid it.  when i came back from haiti in january, i could not journal or blog or write at all.  when i came back from jamaica in april, again -  no journaling, no blogging, no "processing". 

and now here i am again -- i just came back from a 1-week service trip to jamaica.  while i was there i journaled like crazy, trying to capture every moment, thought, emotion, until the schedule got the better of me and i realized i could not do it and also get the rest i needed to function.  but i wanted to - i longed to save the experience in those pages so i could revisit it.

but since being home, i have shunned my journal. i have retreated into "work" and preparing for an upcoming vacation.  i feel busy to the point of overwhelmed.  it didn't occur to me that i was creating this busyness to avoid processing what i was feeling - didn't occur to me until now...

today i came across a blog by one of the "medium term" volunteers at Mustard Seed Communities, the organization i work with in Jamaica.  it made me happy, and then sad, to read it -- happy because it momentarily transported me back there, sad to realize that life there is going on without me.  while i was there i felt that i was really making an impact.  now that i am  home i doubt myself and not only what i did while i was there but what, if anything, i left behind. when we were preparing for our trip i was focused and felt sure of my purpose and my path.  i had a direction and goals and checklists and an endpoint to work toward.  now that we are home and the trip is over, i feel confused about what to do ... as every additional day passes i am more and more uncertain, floundering a sea of to-do lists for things that don't seem all that important...

unfortunately i don't have answers but what i do know is that i need to allow myself time to really, fully process the experience, because now that the high is wearing off and i am back to "normal" life, i need to let the experience sink in and let it change me, not push it away and simply go back to life as before.  there is no going back....