identity crisis

i love to dance... i mean i *really* love to dance.  it is one of those things that makes me feel alive in a way that can only be experienced, not explained.  i have always loved it and i am good enough at it that its pretty fun to do.  i'll never be on "dancing with the stars" but i can usually avoid embarrassing myself (or my partner).

i also love shoes.  i have a lot of shoes.  beautiful shoes, classy shoes, sassy shoes, cute shoes.  i have shoes i don't even wear but i don't get rid of them because i love them.  they are a form of self-expression, and they each hold a promise... i can envision the perfect event for each of them, and at some point they will have their day.  and no matter how many pairs i own, there are always more beautiful, cute, sassy shoes out there ... there are also sensible shoes out there, but i never buy those.  i never even look at those.  none of my shoes are sensible -- on a rainy day i never know what to wear because none of my shoes are appropriate for bad weather ... they are appropriate for great weather, fun times, and big events.  they speak to the dreamer in me.

i pondered this for awhile, on the way home from seeing an ankle specialist one day last week -- he  told me my ligament was stretched to the point of no return.  it wont get better.  changes must be made.  Limit the dancing... maybe get some more "supportive" footwear....

uhhhh, wait a minute.  is getting rid of all my "non-sensible" shoes the only option?  but...but...but if i do that, what will be left?  sneakers and a couple pairs of boots. that's it.  i cant walk around in sneakers every day.  they don't go w/ my clothes.  sneakers are for the gym.


i had a momentary crisis of identity when i realized i may have to forgo both of the above.  no more dancing?  no more cute shoes?  seriously?  but who am i if i cant dance... in cute shoes?  can i be a person who does not dance... and wears sensible shoes?   i decided that i cannot - and that i have to adapt in my own way.  i'll wrap my ankle, i'll get new dance shoes, i might even wear sneakers outside the gym occasionally. i'll be careful. while i worried what this says about me (vain, impractical, short-sighted), i also realized that there are so many ways we  express ourselves and that, when some of our options are taken away, what is also taken away is a part of not only our self-expression but our identity, and even our freedom.

it does not feel good to have one's freedom of expression, or movement, or any other freedom compromised.  this experience  made me think about those who have limiting factors in their lives and how restrictive and unfair it can feel.  tell me i cant wear cute shoes and all i can see when i walk down the street are cute shoes... while in one sense my particular circumstance may seem almost trivial, when thought of in the bigger picture it made me realize how much we take for granted our options, freedoms and modes of expression. whatever the outcome with my ankle, this experience has made me conscious of how many options and freedoms i still do possess... and more compassionate of those whose options or modes of self-expression are compromised, in any way.